Just As I Am

From my journal entry today...

I would be about 34 weeks pregnant with Amelia right now. I know, I am torturing myself. Many women who were due later than me are now close to full term. This in no way diminishes my happiness for them, but it does make me miss my baby girl that much more. I will always miss her. I may have another boy, or even girl some day, but I will never stop missing my Amelia amidst the future bundles of joy. I just asked God to say 'hi' to her this morning. To let her know I especially love and miss her this week for some reason. I am an emotional wreck. It subsides when Brilla and Michael are around me, but this week has been awful. This doesn't mean I'm floundering spiritually or in the depths of despair...quite the opposite. Scripture has been the only balm for my soul. I look forward to my devotional time every morning and night. Why? Because God's Word always stays the same. Nothing about it changes. Though my emotions flux up and down, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. Being online, reading a good book, or watching the news or a movie can be distracting, even fun, but they can't soothe my heart, and certainly aren't things I can put my faith in.

I have just wept, prayed and cried out to God this morning. It was a struggle, it always is when those feelings overwhelm me. But when I bare my heart to Him, the result is always the same...He gives me His peace, His contentment. The ability to accept what He has for me. I can't conjure that up on my own. Maybe temporarily, but not lasting like He gives.

Thank you, Jesus, for slowly healing my wounded heart and hearing my often tearful, broken praise. But praise nonetheless for you are a Mighty, Awesome God. One Who is Justice, Love and Compassion all at once.

I have been learning that the Lord is my Jehovah-Ropheka, the Lord Who heals me. Psalm 147:3, "He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds (sorrow)." Amen. God is letting me turn to Him with my hurt. We are stronger for our trial. God can never use as infants. There has been this big bitter disappointment in our life (Marah) as the bitter water where the Israelites drank in the desert, but God can turn it sweet. There are also Elims (oasis) after every Marah experience, abounding with streams of His mercy and cool shade, times of refreshment.