My Thanksgiving This Year

For so long, I just wanted my daughter with me. I knew she was with Jesus, but I wanted her down here...where I could hold her and take care of her. Sad thoughts just tumbled over and over again inside my mind and my heart was so heavy with the burden. I have been doing well lately. I have found that I am at peace with Amelia's death and am filled more and more with thankfulness and content at what God has given me. But I still have those very sad moments.

Like tonight.

I can't help but wish she would be in my tummy, kicking around like a good little girl should do at less than three weeks until her birth. I wish that I would be holding my husband's hand tomorrow at the Thanksgiving feast and telling our families that we are looking forward to our daughter's birth. Though I'd be huge, and complaining about my aches and pains, I would have Amelia.

What struck this painful chord? I was baking tonight, when my husband called me to the tv. On the news (some of you may have watched it), a little girl was born premature at 26 weeks. She is currently in the neonatal care unit. She cannot leave until her due date in February.

And her name is Amelia.

Immediately, I was wishing we had our baby girl alive and in that unit, even if she was premature; wishing we had caught whatever was wrong with her before it was too late; wishing we could care for her, have her hear our voice. But it will not be. I am sure it is hard for this couple to have their precious Amelia in the neonatal unit. Even though she's alive; it is hard to see such a tiny person with tubes attached. And life is not guaranteed for one born so small. But there is a good chance and I will be praying that come February, she will get that chance. That couple will be walking from the hospital with their beautiful daughter in their arms. Oh, Lord, let it be so.

You know, it is hard for a parent to watch their teenager or adult child rebel, turn against them - or worse, turn against God. It causes heartache for many years, especially if they are still on the wrong path when the parent dies. The uncertainty of their son or daughter's eternity.

We will never have that uncertainty with Amelia. We will never have to experience the pain of rebellion from her, or the matter of where she'll go when she dies. We don't have to be scared if she'll get run over by a car, or kidnapped. Or worried she'll get bad grades. She is automatically with Jesus. He is her guardian now; better than even us, her parents. His love is greater than ours. Someday soon we will join her and be experiencing that same love.

Now, that is something I will be able to share at the dinner table tomorrow evening!

My Day

Busy, busy, busy! That describes my day.

I woke up with an awful stuffy nose because I kept groping for my thick blanket that kept inching away from me all night. And as irritating as my nose was, my dear toddler was extra curious today, getting into all kinds of things. It was just one of those mornings where I wish parenting was on cruise control. Welcome to reality - guess who is the only one available to train? As luck would have it, I had to change some pee-pee soaked sheets, too. Then as I checked my drawers, I realized I need to wash some clothes to work out in!

As my laundry washed and dried, I tried to get the bills paid. My daughter was hungry for "beckfast" so I got some hot cereal whipped up. It was nice to sip hot tea and eat spoonfuls of wondrous hot cereal...for about 5 minutes. I soon got a call from hubby saying I had a phone appt at 11 regarding business. So I head over to the gym where I have a blissful hour of working up a sweat, while B is in the kids area. Then I drive home for the phone appt.

After trying to feed my daughter, hubby and me a healthy, yummy lunch (thank the Lord for leftovers!), I sit down and check my email. Then it's time to put the kiddo down for naptime. I love nap time! I immediately pounce on all the paperwork I have to get done and bills to pay. After that is finished, I scurry around and clean my home just in time for my dear students to arrive.

Lesson time was wonderful today. I enjoy teaching and learn so much from it myself. All students have different learning languages and speeds. After the last student, I try to prep dinner so it doesn't take as long later in the evening. Meanwhile, my husband is prepping for Bible club. I end up missing story and craft time because my "easy snack" took so long! Then dinner came late, but it was good. For dessert we had the leftovers from the kids' snack...yellow cake cupcakes with delicious chocolate frosting.

Now I sit here with a sigh of relief that the day is at its end. Most of all, I'm thankful that before I faced my crazy day, I gave it to the Lord and spent time with Him. Even though my list of things to do haunted me, I'm glad I put God first. It's always worth it. I always remind myself that it's like going without a meal when I starve myself spiritually. Which reminds me...I need to thank Him for another beautiful, busy day before I go to bed.

Perfect Peace

I cannot describe how perfect and full God's peace is. Some days felt completely hopeless and were never-ending with tears. I needed Christ alone, His comfort, His Words only. He has answered my prayers and given me the peace and comfort I have longed for.

I still miss my daughter, but my contentment and thankfulness win out over the longing for her to be here. I can't begin to describe the gratitude I have toward God for the tangible and intangible gifts in my life. He's also made me realize that He has amazing plans for me. The painful past can only serve to aide the future that is waiting. I just sit with my husband as of late and think about all of God's goodness to us.

The song "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice is one of my very favorites. It prompts tears every time I hear it...thinking of my precious daughter laughing on Glory's side.

You know, when you lose a child, you never get over it. You learn to accept it, take it as your lot, but you never get over it. I'm sure the pain lessens and heals with time when accepted with a heart of faith, but it leaves a scar. Even Jesus had Thomas touch his nail-scarred hands; in Revelation, John describes the Lamb "as if it had been slain". Death no longer has victory, but it leaves its mark. By the end of my life I am bound to have many more scars. I used to think there would be no tears in heaven. God's Word says He will wipe away the tears...so there has to be tears to begin with. It's hard to believe, but Jesus shines through us more beautifully when we are broken and full of holes. It shows we've had to lean on Him for strength, Him lifting us up with His strong right arm. Only then are we completely empty of ourselves and become full of His grace, mercy, love and strength. He is our Healer as well. He gives time of laughter and joy so bountiful it makes our hearts burst with pleasure...times when we wonder how we could ever experience pain. It's all so blended fully in this journey we call life.

These days I am learning to be more thankful, to contemplate on what God has given. There are so many blessings I take for granted...my husband, my daughter, family and friends. But also things. Because the economy is down and my husband is not as busy with work as usual, we are simplifying our life and subtracting from the list of expenses. It is a refreshing and hard thing to do. It is the birth of creativity, too! --Saving on groceries, homemade cards, checking out books from the library vs buying them, eating at home, and spending time with friends vs shopping. I have learned that we can get by without nearly as much output! All in all, God is our Provider and we don't need things to make us happy and we should always be content with what we have.

I cannot put into a capsule all that I'm feeling these days. But I do know this, all is well with my soul. Though my heart hurts sometimes, God is the same and I worship Him. He makes no mistakes and is good all. the. time.

Meditation

As I read God's Word, there is so MUCH I don't yet understand and so MUCH I learn new every day.

For you will light my candle: the Lord God will enlighten my darkness...For who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girds me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like hinds' feet and sets me upon my high places. Psalm 18

I will bless the LORD, who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me: because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore, my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices: my flesh also shall rest in hope. Psalm 16

Books and more

I have some recent good reads that I must pass on...

Last year, I discovered Karen Kingsbury. She writes Christian fiction, but not your $1 romance type. She is captivating and inspiring at the same time. I just finished Even Now. It is a deep story about love, mistakes and forgiveness. You should definitely check it out.

Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur (don't know if I spelled that right) is a comforting and encouraging book about where the unborn, babies and small children go after they die. It makes you cry, but gives hope at the same time.

I am currently delving into My Grandfather's Son by Supreme Ct Justice Clarence Thomas, Between Sundays by Kingsbury, and Jesus: The One and Only by Beth Moore. I know, I have high ambitions for myself to get through three books so close to the holidays. We'll see what I finish!

Brilla and I have really enjoyed browsing our local library. It has recently been completely remodelled/rebuilt, so it's pretty cool. It's also a fun, free thing we can do when it's rainy outside. In the mornings, it is not crowded and there's a better selection. Brilla loves to get some board books and snuggle with stuffed animals in the one of the window seats. I, on the other hand, glean my way through the dvds and vhs' searching for a movie we haven't seen yet. Yes, I eventually get to the books...I would take them all home with me if I could. Whoever invented libraries was a genius. I don't know what I'd do without them. Did you know you can even check out cookbooks? Even the large edition of Better Homes and Gardens one? Ahh, I'm in heaven.

Favorite things

Fall is my favorite season of the year. I decided to list the many things I like about it!

• Coffee...pumpkin spice lattes, spiced cider, peppermint mochas
• Spiced chai tea (powder is the best!)
• Eggnog
• Making baked goodies and getting the first bite straight from the oven!....fruit crisp, blueberry muffins, any kind of cookie, brownies.
• Sweaters, long-sleeved shirts, cords, thick stockings, boots, velour sweats, scarves, hats.
• Sipping early grey tea while listening to a cds or reading Karen Kingsbury
• Fires
• Snuggling under blankets while watching an old movie (currently watching Errol Flynn)
• Decorating my house with fall stuff
• Pumpkin picking, then eating roasted corn and kettle corn afterward!
• Looking forward to Thanksgiving
• Mike & I celebrate our birthdays in Oct
• Walking through the malls for exercise since it's too rainy outside :)
• Fall holiday bazaar at church
• Soups and stews
• Pumpkin pie

No wonder I walk into the New Year with so many extra calories!

Lanes of memory

I can't seem to stop blogging today! My hubby and daughter are napping, the reason for all this spare time on my hands.

These past two days, my mind has caught me off guard and taken me d0wn forgotten lanes of memory, while Amelia was still alive. Happy memories then, but now sad because she is gone. Like the time I went to play volleyball with friends. Another woman was pregnant, about as far along as I was and she also had a toddler girl. What a coincidence! We talked about anticipation of the future, with pregnancy complaints mixed in. Another gal mentioned,"You grew fast at first, but then have seemed to stop!" I remember taking this as a compliment. ;) When pregnant, you take them when you can! Anyway, on our drive today, I was telling Michael how these memories keep plaguing me. They are like a drumbeat to sorrow that I can't seem to stop. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Sometimes I wonder when they will end. Don't get me wrong, I want to remember. I don't want to forget Amelia and all our special times together. But all this sadness leaves me exhausted. God rejuvinates my heart eventually, but I feel as lovely as a prune afterward.

I am so glad God is God. I am glad we have His hope because without it, there is no sense in "cheering up". How can the "hopeless" man really live? This world full of death gives no comfort in itself. Really, happy living to its fullest without Jesus never gives lasting comfort either. In fact, even in the most sorrowful times ever, we can still be at great peace with God compared to the man who is smoothly sailing on his own merits. Aren't you glad God is God, and He loves us so much that while we were still sinners, He died for us? And as His children, He's cloaked us in His beautiful righteousness? I am brought to praise because of His grace and mercy toward me. There is nothing I have done to earn it. Quite the opposite.

"Why art Thou cast down, O my soul?
and why art thou disquieted within me?
hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him,
who is the health of my countenance (salvation), and my God."
Psalm 42:11

"His name shall endure for ever:
His name shall be continued as long as the sun:
and men shall be blessed in Him:
all nations shall call Him blessed.
Blessed be His glorious Name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with His glory; Amen, and Amen."
Psalm 72:17-19

At Home With Him

I wrote this for another family who experienced a loss about six years ago. It's from the perspective of the loved one gone Home.

At Home With Him

My Father called my name one day
To dwell at home with Him.
It seemed that life upon this earth
Grew strangely, quickly dim.

And on my journey homeward,
He led me all the way;
He never ceased to hold my hand
Nor ceased to hear me pray.

I thought it would be sad to leave
My loved ones all behind,
But Jesus whispered in my ear,
"Dear child, they too are mine."

There were times doubt gripped my heart;
I longed to wipe your tears,
To soothe the aching pain of loss
And calm your endless fears.

It seemed the sand of numbered days
Was slipping from my grasp,
And those I loved so preciously
Were no longer in my clasp.

Dear Love, and friends so dear to me,
I hope you understand
That death as well as joyous life
Comes from the Father's hand.

Poems

Those who know me well know that I love writing poems. Journaling and poetry are my two main outlets of expressing myself. But I haven't been able to write a poem about Amelia. Just little bits here and there, nothing connected. The words simply have not flowed. When I sit down and try hard to think of something, I am stumped. I think my fear is that I cannot string all the memories, dashed hopes and dreams, peace from God, and anticipation of seeing her into one blunt poem. It is like containing the ocean. And then it hit me - I don't have to just write one poem, I can write several. And they may be revised/edited in the future. So here are a few raw bits and pieces from the last couple months:

I've never felt an ache so deep
It rocked my very soul,
Until I lost you, Baby Girl,
The one I long to hold.

Those many months I loved you much
Feeling all your kicks.
The flutters in my womb mid-dawn,
Oft' at 4 and even 6.

When I first heard the awful news
My tears fell free and fast
All my special days with you
Existed in the past.

I'm not ashamed to say it hurt
To let go of your hand
Whisper farewell to my babe;
I still can't understand.

Only your joy up in heaven
Is a balm to my chafed heart;
To know that Jesus holds you close-
Never far to part.
------------------------------------------
There are a couple others I can't find at the moment.
Here are a few, written some years back, but still offer encouragement now...

Hope in Jesus
When you turn to find that helper
Or you strain to hold a hand,
When you long for love that's constant-
For someone to understand.

When it seems that life's unfaithful
And your song hits minor tones,
When endurance renders absent
And your spirit soars alone...

You must embrace those feelings
That would drown your faith in God,
Place them in His pierced hands
For 'tis the path He trod.

Though you only see tomorrow
As a vision fading fast;
Remember that His Word long stands
Unlike the with'ring grass.

Oh, you cannot cling to people
Or the fears which dwell within,
For disciples never stay down long;
They get up and try again...and again.

God's grace is always stronger,
The "I Am" will never cease.
So give Him all those longings dear;
He'll replace them with His peace.

Do not reach downward to clasp
That sorrow you once carried.
But Rise again to sing His hymne
For hope has not been buried.
-------------------------------------
He's Already There

I love the Lord with all my heart;
His love for me shall never part.

Even when I feel adrift,
To His throne my hands I'll lift.

For there are no waves ever higher
To which His strength does not aspire.

And no valley ever deeper
Where His peace is never steeper.

But when upon the edge I cling
To His glory will I sing?

For though I reach to hold His hand,
Already in His grace I stand.
------------------------------------------

When eternity has met me
And earth's strings no longer cling,
My Savior's arms will greet me
And with the angels I will sing.

Not a song heralded proudly,
Nor a tune sweet to the ear,
But in worship chorus sounding
I will praise His Name so dear!

Oh, He's promised me a mansion-
A bright home in glory land.
But you know that I'd dwell cheaply
Just to clasp my Savior's hand.

The saints of God will be there,
And His martyrs with Him reign.
All the dear ones I though were lost
Shall meet my eyes again.

I hope to see Ms. Frivold
Who would lift my needs in prayer.
Who did long to be with Jesus,
And could not the cancer bear.

Then I too will see Ms. Korli
Who I came to see a last time,
But found out she'd gone to glory
Leaving me behind.

There are others that I hope to see
But are not within the fold,
Oh, how I long to see my grandparents
In the heavenly household!

Since I have not yet passed the test,
And still have years to live,
May I each day study heartily
And myself to others give.

I hope to be found faithful
Giving duty's call much heed.
Living life for Jesus' Christ,
Proclaiming love in every deed.

For when the trumpets sound above
We'll meet Him in a wink.
There will be no time for rush,
No minutes left to think.

My friend, be ready for His call
And when life seems dull with pain,
Ne'er give in, stay strong in faith -
Bring glory to His name!

lunch, membership refund and brilla-isms

Bri and I went out to lunch this afternoon with Brilla's Mamang (filipino for grandma) and Grandpa John. It was a small recognition for Dad, a veteran. We always love getting a chance to hang out with them. Unfortunately, the teriyaki was terrible! Bri and I went to my mom's afterward and had pumpkin bars, talked, and scanned the catalog of a local Christian store chain. Fun, fun! These last few years I've refused to get out in the craziness of after-Thanksgiving shopping, but that might be just one store I actually hit.

Yesterday I went to the gym and requested a refund for last month's dues because of my sudden absence due to our stillbirth. They gave me the pat answer of "no, we only freeze membership ahead of time". I then requested a credit, to which she answered,"we don't usually do that, but I can let you know in the next 24 hrs". Tonight I got a call from the accounting head and she said they needed a doctor's note. This was all kind of a morbid process, but I went ahead and took them the death certificate. Hopefully I will get a credit. I was hesitant to go back and ask in the first place, since I worked out regularly up until our loss. It's hard to be pregnant to everyone's eyes, then suddenly not be. I'm not a woman who likes to demand like a jerk (especially in this situation), so if they don't give me one, that's fine. Business is business, though I would be surprised if they don't.

On the way home, I was casually glancing at Amelia's death certificate and noticed it's called a fetal death certificate. They also have a box for the name of the fetus. I never noticed that before. I'm sure it's entitled "fetal" because the definition of when life begins has its legal parameters, yada, yada, yada. But it just got my mind thinking. It reminded me that an unborn baby is not just a fetus. He or she is a human being. And an unborn baby's death is a human death. Amelia had a soul, just as any other unborn child. There are a host of these special ones the world has never seen before, but that only God, their Creator, has. We will see them in heaven again, all those precious children that were only hoped for, never held. Or held, but never raised. I've wondered at what Amelia looks like right now. I have this thought she won't be running around in heaven as small as she left us. Who knows? All we know is that she's big enough to worship and love her God. I can't wait until our reunion. What a blessed day that will be!

Reminds of me of our daughter that we do have and hold. That girl is a singer! Every chance she gets, she wants to sing for people. Or sometimes I hear her chirping away as she plays with her toys. Her favorites are Great is Thy Faithfulness, Jesus Loves Me, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Deep and Wide, God is So Good, and oh, I've probably forgotten a slough of others. Yes, they are mostly songs about Jesus. I'm sure God smiles when He hears it.

Some recent Brilla-isms...

~when asked if she was cold she said, "No, I'm crazy." Then I said,"You're not crazy, you're smart." Daddy asked,"Are you smart, Brilla?" "I'm not smart, I'm cute." (!)

~I was reiterating her Bible lesson, God takes care of His people. I asked her to say that. She says,"God takes care--of me---you, and---folks." Don't know where she got that (prolly her teacher), but she nailed it!

~Big girl politeness of the day was when she asked in a complete sentence,"Could you hold my bag?" and when offered something, answered,"Yes please." Our little girl's gettin' all fancy :)

Btw, for pronunciation purposes, Brilla is Bree-uh. Small editor's note :)

day's happenings

Spaghetti. The ultimate easy dinner for your busy evening.

That is what we had tonight, because as always, my Monday nights are busy. I have a students in the afternoon, then Bible club from 5-6pm.

We had one lone soul come to Bible Study tonight. Her name is Patience. But she loves Bible club, even if she has to come by herself! We like having her, too. We simply shortened up the time because it doesn't take an hour to teach a lesson for one person. She is the baby in her family at 6 years, and because of this, she gets away with a lot, doesn't know how/want to sit still, and thinks that my daughter, age 2, is her contemporary. Quite hilarious at times, but not so much when you're trying to teach a Bible lesson. I think I learned a lot more than she did, as she was busy asking continually throughout the story if she could please draw on the easel, play the piano, even complained that B wasn't sharing her stuffed kitty! So we did it, we actually learned a new song (I Have Decided), read about Jonah, and memorized a Bible verse, all finalized with a snack and prize.

Earlier today, B and I headed to the gym for the first time in just over 6 weeks. Whew. This is going to be a long road getting back to where I was before pregnancy. I was sweaty just "speed-walking" at 3.8. Meanwhile, B was back visiting with her buddies in Kids Klub. She loves that place. She asked me several times during the last month and a half if she could go to "LA Fee-tus" (LA Fitness). Today she didn't want to leave, so I had to help her off the play set.

Back at home, it was a day of paying bills and getting the house clean. I finally tracked and organized the receipts for this month and last, as well as gently put away all the cards from family and friends after losing Amelia. It felt good to get done a few projects I had set aside for a rainy day. I have so much yet to organize in B's room/the office, it's not even funny. We are in the process of moving B to her new room. So far it is painted and vacuumed. Now we just need to set up her bed, nail the chair railing, place furniture and decorate. That's all :) It will be daunting, yet fun at the same time. Interior decorating is one of my loves.

While we ate spaghetti tonight, we watched Meet the Robinsons. I can't believe we haven't seen it yet. I ended up really enjoying it, despite all the twists and turns. Mike and I have been no fun for B tonight; I have a stiff neck and M is very tired. So looks like we are all turning in early!

From my journal entry today...

I would be about 34 weeks pregnant with Amelia right now. I know, I am torturing myself. Many women who were due later than me are now close to full term. This in no way diminishes my happiness for them, but it does make me miss my baby girl that much more. I will always miss her. I may have another boy, or even girl some day, but I will never stop missing my Amelia amidst the future bundles of joy. I just asked God to say 'hi' to her this morning. To let her know I especially love and miss her this week for some reason. I am an emotional wreck. It subsides when Brilla and Michael are around me, but this week has been awful. This doesn't mean I'm floundering spiritually or in the depths of despair...quite the opposite. Scripture has been the only balm for my soul. I look forward to my devotional time every morning and night. Why? Because God's Word always stays the same. Nothing about it changes. Though my emotions flux up and down, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. Being online, reading a good book, or watching the news or a movie can be distracting, even fun, but they can't soothe my heart, and certainly aren't things I can put my faith in.

I have just wept, prayed and cried out to God this morning. It was a struggle, it always is when those feelings overwhelm me. But when I bare my heart to Him, the result is always the same...He gives me His peace, His contentment. The ability to accept what He has for me. I can't conjure that up on my own. Maybe temporarily, but not lasting like He gives.

Thank you, Jesus, for slowly healing my wounded heart and hearing my often tearful, broken praise. But praise nonetheless for you are a Mighty, Awesome God. One Who is Justice, Love and Compassion all at once.

I have been learning that the Lord is my Jehovah-Ropheka, the Lord Who heals me. Psalm 147:3, "He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds (sorrow)." Amen. God is letting me turn to Him with my hurt. We are stronger for our trial. God can never use as infants. There has been this big bitter disappointment in our life (Marah) as the bitter water where the Israelites drank in the desert, but God can turn it sweet. There are also Elims (oasis) after every Marah experience, abounding with streams of His mercy and cool shade, times of refreshment.

Hungry?

It's easy to set down God's Word and not read it as much when the times are going good. But I am continually reminded of the comparison of reading Scripture to eating meals. Would I just eat one big feast on Wednesday, then say," Okay, that was delicious, I'll have to do that again next week!"? Of course not, seeing that I am one who loves food :) Seriously, though, God's Word is food for my soul. And it will continue on even when my body dies. I am starving myself spiritually when I don't eat of the Bread of Life daily. I only have one toddler nowadays, so I haven't had to go "fast food"style on a regular basis...catching tidbits of His Word here and there due to a hectic schedule. But sometimes those days come anyway and a little is better than nothing.

Today was an average day. I had a wonderful time at Bible study, as usual. Brilla and I went straight home afterward. We split a ham sandwich and finished Cheaper by the Dozen 2. It takes us like 3 days to finish one movie! But it's probably a good thing that tv isn't top priority in this family because we love movies. "Michael Daddy" (as B calls him) came home early from work due to sickness. We were happy he was home, but sad that he's feeling under the weather. After both Daddy and B laid down for their naps, I went out and got some necessities and not-so-necessities at Target, my second home. I got some shampoo, conditioner, tp, paper towels, cereal and some clothing for myself. I got a cute jean skirt to go with chunky tights as well as a black dress that can be coordinated with different sweaters to make more than just one outfit. Also, 4 long sleeve shirts in light brown, grey, black and white to go underneath sweaters and things to stretch out my wardrobe. So, nothing super exciting, but at least I won't look blah now. It was nice to get out by myself without the kiddo. Aren't you proud I didn't buy a mocha while I was out? Instead, I ate a few cookies tonight after dinner ;P Oatmeal chocolate chip are hard to pass up. Especially homemade.

Later we watched an episode of All Creatures, one of our most absolute favorite shows. We've watched the espisode before, but it's always fun just the same. Then I rubbed my hubby's feet because it always helps when one is sick.

Now I must go to bed. I was so disappointed about yesterday's election, but I know that God is the one who appoints kings and brings them down. He is in control. I said to myself, "Well, we survived President Clinton." But as my husband aptly put it, "Only thousands of unborn children did not." That is what concerns me most about this current president-elect, especially since the issue of unborn children is so dear to my heart.

Birthday party

I forgot to talk about my 27th birthday party! How could I forget about that? We went to Olive Garden for dinner. My brother and I used to go there every year for our birthdays. We share one, though we're 6 years apart. But now he's at college so we've had to celebrate separately these past 4 years. Anyhoo...it was great, we even got our own "room". My parents, Mike's parents, Michelle, Tim and Grandma Mabel were all there. Yep, just the fam. It was cozy and we talked and laughed...heard all about Michelle and Steve's 10th anniversary cruise to the Bahamas. I ordered the Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo, which was delicous, delicious, delicious! I could've eaten the whole thing were it not for the hope of sweets later. Afterward we went to my parents' home for dessert and gifts. It was nice to have that time at my "old home". One thing better would have been to scope out my old room, but it is now taken over by boxes and storage :( We were all stuffed, but managed to shove some pieces of delectable oatmeal cake, rhubarb cake and pumpkin pie into our tummies. Everyone's cards and gifts were incredibly kind and it was fun to just relax and chat.

Btw, did I mention my hubby gave me not only roses, but also a seafood cookbook and McCormick and Schmick's gift card? He was too sweet. But I look forward to a hot date at M & S with him!

Monday

Mondays are often letdowns. Mike goes back to work, the house is messy from the weekend, and there are bills to pay. However, it's also nice to be back into the routine...regular naptime, mealtimes, teaching piano and kids Bible club.

Today was my 6 week post-partum checkup with Nancy, my midwife. I had brought her a couple of stargazer lilies as a thank you for everything she did for us during Amelia's stillbirth. Nancy is an amazing woman, what she does is truly life-giving. We don't know what we'd do without her. God has gifted her, not every woman can sacrifice as she does. Back to my appointment. After giving her the lilies, I was overwhelmed with the memories of that place, and the tears unexpectedly surfaced. I apologized. I hadn't meant to cry and was slightly embarassed. Nancy said,"It's always just behind your heart, isn't it?" and handed me some tissue. Thankfully I didn't start sobbing, but regained composure and the rest of the appointment went smoothly. (As smooth as a pap smear can go, that is ;)) I've healed well, so that is good news. Afterward, I picked up Brilla from my sister-in-law's and we chatted for a while. Then we headed home for lunch and naptime...and cleaning up my house. But on the way, I stopped by the cemetary and prayed at Amelia's spot. Yes, I cried, but I was also happy to see the mini-roses still blooming. I'm glad she is buried close to home.

After watching a little of Cheaper By the Dozen 2 and eating leftover Italian food, I put Bri down for her nap. Then tidied up my home. Then I taught piano. Later this evening we had Bible club. The kids showed! We talked about the tongue. Very powerful lesson. Then we did a puppet craft, which they loved and actually finished by the end. We sang a new song and reviewed a few older ones. Their favorite part is singing. Out of the mouths of babes! Finally they had oatmeal cake for snack and we sent them on home. Yet another wonderful night of learning about Jesus. Mike and I learn right along with them. Finally we sat down for dinner. Gotta love leftovers! We had homemade chicken tacos. Then we talked election, watched a few more annoying political commericals and heard some history of the candidates. Part of me is anxious to be done with the election due to all the ads, but then part of me is nervous at the outcome, then still the other part of me is praying that God will have mercy on our nation. His will be done.

Good night and remember to vote tomorrow!

Rainy days

Lately we've had beautiful, dry Fall weather and finally the rain showed up. Last night was rainy. Today is rainy. This was a special rainy weekend, though. Yesterday, Matt & Julie stopped by to say hello! They are not a couple, but bro and sis. Dear friends we've had for years. Anyway, they were on their way down to Portland and took time to say "hi" to little ol' us :) They stayed overnight and just left this morning. Perfect timing for my birthday! What a treat to talk with dear friends and catch up on their lives. We headed to Costco for dinner. Pizza's always fun on October 31st! Then we left to make it for the last part of our church's Harvest Hoe Down. Brilla was a ladybug and looked so cute as a roly-poly insect! Mike and I dressed as Seahawk fans ;P We hung out, got lots of candy, Brilla played games, and Matt and Jules talked with people they remembered from church. Then we got home and talked and laughed ourselves late into the night (or is it morning?). Seems like whenever we get together, it's just like old times. This morning we had a small breakfast, then took a walk along Redondo Beach despite the morning's slight dreariness. It truly was amazing. The view is gorgeous no matter the weather. We chatted up and down the pier, which was hard to do sometimes with little Brilla breaking our thoughts now and then. She always spices things up. Afterward, we treated ourselves to a little espresso. Seattle's Best! I got a decaf mocha and sprinkled nutmeg, cinnamon and vanilla. It was delish. Next, we got home and we once again conversed to our hearts' content. Doesn't take much for close friends to have a good time. Just a cup of coffee and news.

For a birthday treat to myself ;P, I went to watch Fireproof...with Brilla. Yes, I am a brave woman to bring my toddler to a looong matinee right through her nap. But she did great! I think all the popcorn and soda helped. The movie was so challenging and well done. I even cried a few times. Fireproof is highly recommended! Especially if you are married.
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I miss Amelia today. I cried tears when reminded of her absence. I just miss my baby so much. Sometimes I still wonder why she had to go and leave us. Earthy life has not been the same without her.