Two evenings ago, I sat down to play a Sarabande by Bach. About halfway through, memories of Amelia flooded by mind and I had to stop to cry. It was so sad. Just an unexpected, intense sadness. I was thinking about how I can't wait to be pregnant again, but at the same time, another pregnancy will remind me of times with Amelia. It will be very hard, there's no doubt. I'll have to purposefully give my fear of losing another baby, to God...because it's not like I lost her around 3, 4 or even 5 mos; I lost her at nearly 7 mos. She was almost there. I will have to keep my mind on "whatsoever is true...pure...praiseworthy". And hold on to God's promises. And you know I'm going to pray like there's no tomorrow. Really, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. Amelia wasn't. I'm not. My husband's not. Brilla's not. We can only live today in the complete fullness of Jesus; He gave His life and lived again so we could have life and have it more abundantly than the rest of those who don't have Him. Not that we're on a higher plain, we are just like our neighbors, only we have recognized how sinful we are and cling to Jesus in our wretchedness. And in our wretchedness, we're forgiven. In His forgiveness, we're redeemed, and in His redemption, we live!
What I mean to say is that I need Jesus all the time. Not just when I think I need Him desperately, but also on the mountain tops when I'm feeling the beauty of things. Only God sustains me. I'm so thankful for that. I'd be a pretty rotten sustenance-giver because of all my inconsistencies!
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