New future

Today we didn't go anywhere, but just took it easy and organized closets, vacuumed, put away clothing, etc. I finally got up the courage to pack away my maternity clothes...the precious clothes I wore while carrying Amelia. I went into almost a reminiscent trance about Amelia. Thinking about how she felt inside me, the activities I did while she was with us, how we sang and talked to her, the awful day we found out she wasn't with us, the delivery, the memorial, and finally, this "new future" that seems like a fog. In my mind, a new future that wasn't supposed to be. I know that God is omniscient and He knows everything before I do, but I am stuck in the finite and do not know everything. I will never understand why God took Amelia, the purpose it serves, or what awaits later on. Or how long it will be until we see our daughter in heaven. But I don't try to understand, either. That just gets me in a confused mental state that I can't handle emotionally.

Though it's an uncertain future (like everyone's, I guess), I don't want to miss out on the blissful moments God has for me to experience. Though in some ways it feels like happy times have ended, they haven't. God hasn't changed; He is the same today, yesterday and forever. He is the I Am, the beginning and the end. God is realer to me now than He has ever been. His promises are deeper; I cling to them. His tower of strength is the only one I can run into. The sweet songs of worship I sing to Him are prayers from my heart directly to His. Did I mention the beautiful daughter he has entrusted to me already, my darling 2 year old? What about my husband, my best friend, the man I love laughing with, who loves to watch videos on the couch with me and eat bowls of cake and icecream? Amazing how so much happiness and sadness is mixed together. As one song puts it, "pain and pleasure".

I've been using this solitary time as a time to draw nearer to my God. My head is buried in the Psalms, my pen underlining Bible Study notes and verses on the life of Moses, my lips are continually sending prayers to Him, I am always journaling my thoughts and prayers on paper. Please don't even think me godly, brave or wise. I'm barely hanging on, I'm a woman desperately needing Christ to carry me through.