Just As I Am

I cried today. It was unexpected and I tried not to, but the tears just came. I was trying to share with 3 other women what God's been teaching me lately, and the sorrow and hard times just overwhelmed me. It's been so hard accepting Amelia's death. I've gone through cycles. Cycles of guilt, wondering what I could have done to cause her to go away, or wondering if it wasn't me, could I have kept better track of her movement and noticed the change sooner. And then I go through peaceful times where I know she's in God's heaven, where we'll see her some day. But then that's hard, because homecoming is so far away. It seems like forever. I want her now, here with me. As I've written in my journal, how can I say good-bye when I never said hello to my daughter?

Then the other day someone said something hurtful to me. Something you should never say to someone who has lost someone dear to them. For some reason (probably the Lord), I was able to let it go and forgive, but boy did I want to yell at them at the time. There are times I've said hurtful things, but to be at the receiving end is a different story.

Sometimes I feel like curling into a ball with thick soft blankets, journaling and letting the tears fall as I write. Then pray, read the Psalms and cry some more. But thank goodness I can't do that whenever I feel like it. I have a toddler to take care of and a husband who needs me, for I'm sure he's struggling, too. In fact, most of the time, I try to keep myself busy, not having too much down time. Or else my thoughts just wander to our loss and relive the painful emotions. Not that I want to forget. I can never forget. But I want to be able to accept God's peace and healing, when it comes, not deny it for clinging to sadness.

Don't know if any of this makes sense. It's all just bits of rambling as I make my way through the fog of my new future without my daughter.