How yesterday went

It was not hard to remember Amelia yesterday. It's very easy to go to that place again...though not nearly as painful. But still the rememberance is laced with a bit of sadness mixed in the joy. I looked at her photos again, which I am soon placing in a beautiful pure white scrapbook. I recalled Amelia's telltale long legs and skinny arms, so incredibly like her Daddy's. I still miss holding her sweet little body. I bought her a dozen of fresh peach roses that now sit in the living room, faces beginning to open up.

I love my daughter so much. I cannot wait to see her on Glory's shore.

I never forget Amelia. Yet, she is not constantly in my thoughts either. I guess that's healthy, though. It would be an unhealthy thing to be obsessed with her each hour of every day. I am so thankful for her photos because it cements her memory. As much as I try to keep her memory alive, though, in all reality, she is not with us and that is just plain hard to swallow.

I can't tell you how much I looked forward to having my two beautiful little girls sitting side by side on the carpet, playing with their toys. Floppy ponytails and braids. I look around at newborns and think, "That would have been my Amelia". And an ache that never quite leaves my heart reminds me again of who I have lost. Then, I try to gather my wits again and look to God for the future.

As years add to my plate and I "grow up", I realize that life is full of difficulties not to be avoided. They are just there. I can either see them as a road block, or an opportunity to have the Lord work in my life for His good. It's God's grace at work, but it's also a choice I have to make. I know that others have endured greater hardship than I have or will ever have, but yet, God gives us each our lot in life.

To any of you who have ever encountered a heart-wrenching time in your life (and I'd be surprised if you have not!), you know that before the trouble came, you'd probably say to yourself, "I could never handle that load" or "that would just be too much to bear". But here you are, and here is the load you never wanted. Though you don't see yourself as a strong person, you are stronger than you think. Because God is the One who can sustain you. He never expects you to do it on your own, to fake your way through.

All I can say from my experience is to not think about the future, nor the past. Don't think about the 'what if's' and 'could have been's'. Just believe the promises of God for right now, believe on Him for the present. Bask in His love and protection and decide that you will go through this tough time in His strength...wherever that may lead. It is very dangerous to make decisions based on guilt or fear. You will regret it! Simply decide to entrust God with the next step. He will give you wisdom on what You are to do, along with the encouragement of others along the way. But do not listen to the voices of doubt and shame. Those are not of God. He's given us a spirit of love, power and a sound mind!

But I am human and I have given in to fear at times. Fear is not my biggest weakness, but believe me, I have others. Someday I want to share a story about a restless sleep and how my greatest fear came over me, at least my greatest fear at this time in my life. It was not worth it to worry. But I chose to do so, lose a bunch of sleep verus trusting God. And even though my fear came true, God saw fit to bring me through it on the up-side anyway. He's such a faithful God. Always bringing us back to Himself.

All this to say, I am not fearing the future since we have lost Amelia. We still want to have more children, Lord willingly and on His time table! It's funny how you take childbirth for granted when you get married, at least I did. I am your average healthy woman and have no reason not to have babies one right after the other. Except for God's timing. Minor detail! But His delay has given me a compassion for women who struggle with infertility, or who have lost babies whether in miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn and infant death. And I would probably not have that brand of compassion had I not lost our precious Amelia.

Sometimes we go through the hill of difficulty not for ourselves, but for another. Which reminds me, can you please continue to pray for Stellan and Sierra?

I don't know if you remember, but I asked you to pray for baby Harper. God has most certainly healed her and she is doing splendid! Please check out her blog, she is precious! Also, this sweet woman posted on my blog once a bit ago and somehow I just read her post today! I am so glad someone has taken up a cause for continually praying for the little ones who need it badly! We can't know and pray for every child, but we can pray for a good bunch.