How I Am Doing

I wanted to let those of you know, who actually read my little blog, how I am doing emotionally these days. And I will be as honest as I can be. Sometimes my ability to be honest is clouded by how I'd like to be feeling or how I feel I should be feeling; the ever-changing tide of emotions.

For some reason, I have felt very tired lately. Not just regarding Amelia, but also raising a 2 1/2 year old, and keeping up with the piles of paperwork for my husband's business. I am drained and feel like a need a good, long nap. Maybe it would help to get to bed on time instead of reading blog updates, browsing Facebook, and checking my email late into the night (lately the only opportunity I have to do so!).

Regarding my Baby Girl in heaven. I really miss her these days. So much. I'd love to be rocking my sweet 4-month-old daughter...hearing her coos and stroking her soft hair. I lately have been looking at her pictures more and treasuring the memories of her delivery. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't ever want to forget her and viewing her tiny hands and feet make me feel like she is somehow still a part of us instead of apart from us.

The absence of Amelia on earth causes me to be incredibly thankful for Brilla. My little angel of joy. She truly is a happy child. Sure, she's going through tough stages right now, but she also makes me laugh and inadvertently teaches me more about Jesus and prayer. She prays for everyone and everything. This girl literally has child-like faith in God. It is precious and I hope to someday, when she is old enough to understand, remind her of her innocent prayers of toddlerhood.

A couple Sundays ago in Sunday School, we were talking with the young people how a dear old woman in our church, and former pastor's wife, had passed in to heaven. Brilla, quietly scribbling away on her magnetic doodle-pad on the couch, paused for moment and on her own made the comment, "My sister is there, too." The teenage girls in our class did a double-take at her words because they didn't think she even understood what had happened with Amelia, let alone understand she was in heaven. Think again. Out of the mouths of babes...

It means the world to me that Brilla, in her toddler way, comprehends where Amelia is. That is a blessing. She knows it is sad, but as she says, "She is happy now."

The other thing that contributes to my tiredness is my longing for another child. I have an eyeball for pregnant women at the store, wherever I go. I so want to be them. God is truly working on my patience. I taught about it in Bible club, but man, to live it out is a totally different story. Yes, I really would love to have another baby. But the truth is, our future children will not rid us of our loss of Amelia. Knowing that joy can still be had in the days ahead, but yet knowing we will see our second daughter not until heaven is a fact that doesn't just float away. It is a hard thing that we must grasp right along with everything else. That being said, we will see sweet Amelia some day on that Shore and our tears will be wiped away. Until then, I will rejoice in life in the present, serve Jesus fully and honestly, and not see my life as in transition. You know, "I will serve Jesus better when...". I have lessons to be learned and applied now. All of this is a molding and preparing for the final creation He wants to make out of me.

I also want to say I'm thankful that Jesus cares about little me. So many times I am down, and He picks me up with His promises of faithfulness, love, and truth. And there are times I think I can handle life on my own, not read His Word and pray less. I don't feel close to my Savior, and therefore suffer for my own selfishness. I hate those times. I always want to be spending time at His feet, like Mary. Even if only moments at a time. I thank God He is not like me and that His ways are not my ways.

This post has become long, so I will be ending it here. Lately, though I have been tired, I have been rejoicing on the inside. Rejoicing because God is good and His mercies are new every morning. Not once a week, but every morning. Specifically, I have been rejoicing in the friendships I have. Women who love me for who I am and are there for me. God knew we could not live life without relationships! As I get older and "grow up", I see the deep value of the people that surround me. Yes, I love my husband, but I love my family and friends!

So if you think of me, just pray that I will continue to rejoice in His goodness and not less stress and anxiety of paperwork get to me. And, as always, I am more than willing to pray for you :)

Get a good night's sleep!