Just As I Am

It is Monday again! Yay...time for paying bills and cleaning my house.

I'm also supposed to work out. Heh. We'll see if that happens. I guess if I want to get any skinnier, it's going to have to happen. One day at a time. If it weren't for the wonderful tv screens that are viewed from the treadmill and ellipticals at my gym, I probably would be bored out of my wits. And this is coming from a girl who has played soccer and volleyball competitively her whole life, who actually has enjoyed fitness and running. I guess I am just so burnt out lately on the whole getting-in-shape scene. I need motivation. So I have decided to get with a personal trainer, or at least a work out plan, and track my calories again. That is the only way it has worked after I've had a baby. I have to be aggresive about it...or all my good intentions fly away in the wind!

I rest in the thought that in heaven our bodies will be perfect.

Which reminds me. I was at a ladies tea on Saturday morning. It was beautiful, with each table decorated differently. The chamber choir (made up of young people) came in to sing at the beginning. They're voices blended perfectly; they sounded like angels. One girl in particular caught my attention because she looked like, in my mind's eye, what Amelia might look like in heaven. Worshipping God. Tears immediately sprang up and had to step out to the restroom. It's little moments like this that take me off guard. It's hard, but it's sweet to know Amelia's "right behind my heart" at all times. Especially these days, with her -what was to be due date- looming one week away. December 15. That will be a hard day. Please pray for me.

Yesterday, Sunday, we stopped by Amelia's grave. We surprisingly hadn't come by in a long while. We didn't bring flowers; we're saving that for next week. Oh, I wept. I hadn't had a good cry in a long time and just wept. Michael held me and let me cry in his arms. I know you read this over and over again...but I miss my daughter SO MUCH. I cannot stop missing her. She is apart of me and forever will be. The ache always subsides eventually with the busyness of life. But her existence was a fact and I'm glad we are different because of it. I'm stronger for it, but also more sensitive and compassionate. My Brilla was so sweet while I was crying. She said quietly, "Mama lose the baby?" I said yes, then held her tight and loved on her. It will be neat when Brilla's old enough to tell her about the beautiful baby sister that she has in heaven. When Amelia was inside of me, Brilla used to feel my stomach and called her "Baby Tummy". Sweet memories...

On Saturday night (I know I'm going back and forth here), we went to listen to and watch Handel's Messiah, sung by a local Korean choir. It was wonderful! The soloists were incredibly talented. The Messiah always inspires me because it is one of the few oratorios written soley for the glory of God. Brilla did amazingly well through most of the whole thing. We had to leave early because of bed time.