I have been surprised at the emotional roller coaster I have been on since her passing...
For the first few days, I felt this heavy, sad burden that wouldn't leave. Every time I felt it, I would just go to God in prayer, pour my heart out to Him, ask Him to be with Paula's family. It's only natural to feel this way, but at the same time, the feelings have caught me off guard. I didn't expect to feel this way. I can't tell you how many days I've just had to stop and cry, unable to do anything for a while.
Every time I think of Paula's grown daughter (who was a best friend in my teens) and her two children having to go through this loss, my heart lurches for them. The tears come. Imagine having your mom gone at 32. Wow. My mom lost her mother at age 23 and that was extremely hard for her, especially since she didn't have the knowledge of the comfort of the Lord Jesus. But when I empathize with Paula's family's pain, again, I give it to God, because He's the only one who truly knows pain and can truly heal. Then I think of the eldest granddaughter, the same age as Brilla, I can't imagine losing the Mema who used to bake, catch crabs, and just do fun stuff with you all the time.
Every time I think of Cass (Paula's husband) and the Love he has lost until we join Christ on the other side, I think of how empty he probably feels. How he likely experiences peace, pain, and heartache, strength, all simultaneously. Being a widower at 50 is hard. When he gets home, he no longer has Paula to come home to. He will be on a long road of healing.
So, in a way, it's like I'm grieving too. Although our families are not super close as we used to be, all these memories of Paula keep flooding back. Our families used to be like one big family. We did Easter and other holiday dinners together. Neither of our families had relatives in the area, so we took their place. We even had a project where we painted each other's houses. Yeah, crazy. We watched Beethoven at the theater on Christmas together. All the picnics, home school field trips, sleepovers, and such. I find myself digging out old pictures and scrapbooks. The memories just keep flooding their way in...
The biggest anchor has been to pray, but also to remember SHE IS WITH HER SAVIOR. We will see her again! It seems so far away, but it's not really. And instead of suffering with each respiratory attack, she's up There preparing the huge Feast, or whatever special job God has for her. She's worshiping her Almighty God! Praising her Maker! What could be better than that?
Her memorial/celebration service is this Saturday. I am going to bring a handful of tissues because there is no doubt I will cry. Okay, sob.
Too bad you could not have been at this huge party in your honor, Paula. You would have loved having your family and friends all in once place! In some ways, it feels like you could not be gone. That you're still at your house in Steilacoom, laughing, smiling and encouraging others like you always have. In some ways, it's almost like my own mother has gone. Can't wait to see you on that Shore!
2 comments:
I certainly don't think that someone has to be directly related or even close-as-they-used-to-be to grieve thoroughly. Death is hard and ugly (even when you know that the person is in Heaven!) And we were created to be in relationships with one another. When those are severed for a time, it hurts. And, as you pointed out, you hurt for those who were very close to the person lost because you can imagine the pain. And that is enough sometimes.
Beautiful post. I'm glad you wrote it.
I am so sad for Tracia's family. My husband lost his Mom to cancer just after we got married. It is hard to believe it has been 9 years. I am glad that they have friends like you to cry with them and to have happy memories of their Mom with them. It means alot too when people remember months and years later, when the pain is still deep for the family, even though time has passed. From my own observations, your friendship is important because you were apart of life when their Mom was there and their family was whole. I am glad that you can share memories and appreciate her. I think that will mean alot and be as comforting as anything can be.
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