Yay!!!!!

Our house is almost back to normal! I am in love with our "new" little home. It looks beautiful and I'm so thankful for the work all the guys have done. There has been a lull in work for the company (lull as in tons of projects coming up, just not any scheduled right now), so the timing with that AND the weather have been perfect. I am now sitting on the floor with my head against the couch looking at the newly painted living room, complete with a rich-coloured mantel headpiece. Wow, what a drastic change. I will post photos soon! I cannot wait to invite my girl friends over for tea and treats :)

Lots has been going on. Mostly just the remodeling, trying to keep the girls on somewhat of a schedule amidst being here and there to stay out of the way, and having summer fun at various spots around town. This gorgeous weather has been a godsend. I mean, better soak it up because it could be Fall next week! We're talking the Pacific Northwest here. I've enjoyed wearing shorts and tanks for a change. Of course, I've enjoyed taking out Katie's little cutesie outfits, too. Her little dimpled legs are to die for. I was looking for her swimsuit the other day and found it with the "cover up" someone gave as a shower gift. It's the most darling thing. I got a chuckle out of that one, though! Like what's she gonna cover up??

I've been watering my flowers lately. I know, that hould be a big given, but you have to understand, I am soooooo bad at watering. My husband keeps getting on me about it. I mean, for Pete's sake, all I've got are petunias, impatiens and geraniums. Some day I hope to have a whole garden full of both flowers AND vegetables/fruit.

:::Sigh::: Some day.

This last week I've done a lot of cleaning my house up (woohoo). Trying to normalize the mess amidst the piles. I felt triumphant this week just vacuuming and doing the dishes. If this sounds real exciting to you, just wait until I get to the good part.

I've also gone on a clothes shopping hiatus. You heard me right. I'm a shop-a-holic. I admit it. If you've ever watched Confessions of a Shop-a-holic, I am so the main character. I feel that thrill of being on the hunt and buying a cute something. And when I get tired of shopping for one thing, I focus on my attention on something else I might need. The only difference is - I don't spend near the amount of moolah for single items as she does, nor am I addicted to shopping at storefronts for high end labels. But, that doesn't matter! It's still an addiction and I'm trying to crack it. Because shopping, then getting rid of stuff (or even donating), shopping then getting rid of stuff, the unending cycle, is a huge waste. Perhaps soon I may even do a one-month challenge of no shopping. Hum. I'll think about that one, long and hard. Any one want to join me?

Don't know about you, but I'm missing Fall/Winter TV episodes, like The Good Wife, The Mentalist, Castle. I've been appeasing myself with reruns and Law and Order.

Welp, I'd better go to bed now or else I'm bound to rattle on and on about absolutely nothing. Either that, or everything random in my life. I'm that tired.

Good night.

Lots Going On

My house is a wreck. Except for the nice little spots where I've been able to make it look semi-clean so I can pretend all is normal :)

We got our new windows! They are beautiful and wonderful. Nothing like being able to air out my house with nice screens - no bugs flying in and out saying, "Thank you!" Though I love these new windows, I did not realize how much work it was going to take; and what a toll is would take on our schedules (as in my kids' schedules!). But I am SO THANKFUL for the work being done. It has been a long time in coming. Muchly needed.

We must have been bitten by the remodeling bug, because not only are we replacing the windows, but we're also - adding new trim, inside AND out; replacing drywall after having found dry rot; installing new front door; took down the faux wood paneling on our living room wall to be replaced by a regular, newly painted wall and new fireplace mounting!; painting rooms with fresh color. And in the midst of all this, we're installing a new dishwasher. It was supposed to be a quick job (the dishwasher), but complications have turned it into a 3-day chore! Thirdly, my husband is going to the county this week to see if he can get the our addition plan okayed. We're hoping to add on to the back of our house this summer as well.

Whew!

I mentioned the kids' schedules...

We've had to be out of the house quite a few days because the girls can't nap or be around the busyness of tools and dust. My mother-in-law has been so gracious in letting us nap and hang at her house. In fact, as I'm sitting here writing this, my husband has just informed me that us girls need to be out of the house by 7am tomorrow!! I feel like a homeless urchin! I'm just being dramatic. Of course we have plenty of places to go.

Tonight I had a most relaxing deep tissue massage. So much so, I fell sleep during my session. Massages always do that to me. They are so cathartic, especially after a long day of running around. It's a good thing I had that hour or relaxation because I came home to a squawking baby. Daddy was unable to feed her milk via the bottle because the nipple was too big. Thus, I came home to a poor little baby girl with huge tears and a sweating Daddy. Mama to the rescue once again.

Dinner was healthy and yummy tonight. Grilled cod with organic green beans and brown rice. I could eat seafood every day and not tire of it. We had plenty of rice left, so looks like fried rice tomorrow.

I have lost 5 lbs in the last 3 weeks. Not bad, but not meeting my goal, either. I was going for 2 lbs/week. But I have to be realistic. Losing weight while nursing is extremely difficult. I just need to exercise every day and continue to count my calories (enough as a nursing mom). I'm also making sure they count. My personal motto has been "fuel it, don't fill it". I've been eating a ton of yogurt, hummus, eggs, fish, high fiber cereal, peanut butter, Kashi GoLean granola bars, Odwalla smoothies, string cheese, almonds, walnuts, all kinds of fruit, and every kind of low fat, high protein, high fiber food I can think of. For dessert, I allow myself a 1/2 cup of ice cream, chocolate-covered almonds, pb toast with honey/jam, yogurt with berries, or a Yoplait smoothie. Last night I made a huge mistake of having a McD's hot fudge sundae. It's 320 calories. I assumed since the reduced-fat vanilla cone was only 150 calories, that the sundae wouldn't be much more. Wrong! The fudge brings mucho calories to the table.

Did I mention my husband and I are competing? We are seeing who can lose the most percentage of weight by our anniversary, August 28th. I'm so proud of him. He's lost a good amount already. He's a Coke guy, and he's had only a couple drinks of soda since we started this thing (almost done with week 4!). He's not even touched baked goods (except for July 4th). Baked stuff is our weakness, but we've not touched any.

I've had such a busy time lately caring for my girls, juggling our whereabouts. However, I've still been able to spend time in Our Daily Bread for my devotions. I didn't continue Believing God, but instead, have delved deep into the audio version of So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It has been an eye-opening journey. God's revealed so much to me I didn't realize before. Praise God that he doesn't leave us in our comfort zone, but conforms us constantly to His image. We just have to willing vessels!

On My Children

I don't want to forget my stillborn daughter, Amelia.

But days go by, weeks even, where I am so busy I don't think of her. Sometimes I feel horrible for it because I remember back when the pain was so fresh, when minutes would not go by where the deep hole in my heart ached and ached and ached.

I was thinking of her tonight and decided to see the pictures of her delivery again. Her tiny toes and hands, her little body in our hands. Even now I can't stop the tears. Still, the question remains in my heart, why did she have to go, God? Why so far along in the womb, when she had already become a part of my hopes and dreams? Why did our farewell have to be so sudden (maybe it was better that way)?

I'll never know the answers to any of my questions. One thing I can always rely on is that God is the same God who never changes. My world, life, and events around me are forever shifting, but not my God. What a comfort. Knowing I can go to the Rock that I can cling to when I am sad and need a bit of comfort and peace.

Little Katie is just over 3 months...her 3 month mark was June 5th. Already she's fitting her 3-6 mos clothes. And she's getting SO darn cute. She has the prettiest smiles and bright blue eyes. She also nuzzles me and gives me these slobbery open-mouth kisses. Wouldn't trade 'em for anything. How thoughtful of God to shock me with the news that I was having another baby girl, Katie Claire. I remember the day we found out she was a girl. I was pretty set that we would be having a boy since I'd already had 2 girls, and figured my miscarriage after Amelia was likely a boy. But was a glad to be wrong!! Katie will never take the place of Amelia, but her live birth was like a soothing balm to my chafed mama heart. I love this dear girl.

Brilla is still 3. I feel like she's been 3 forever. She's got these beautiful gangly arms and legs. Everyone thinks she's older because of them. My first born is such a smart little cookie that

I have to remind myself she's not older. Often I think I try to put too much expectation on her head. I find myself struggling to keep her busy these days. Now that Katie is on only five feedings a day, I think I can spend more time with B...doing crafts, some schoolwork maybe, perhaps painting our toes again :) Brilla is my right hand. Every time I go to do something like buckle Katie in, or tuck her blanket around her toes, Brilla has already done it. She's a little mama, always thinking of her little sister and being such a huge help. Honestly, I've never detected any animosity toward Katie. Yes, she struggled with the lack of attention in the beginning, but now the rhythm of life with a little sister has started to hum. Just wait until she has to share her toys with her. That will be something.

Some more about my first born. She is smart, like I said before. This comes out in some not good ways, too. It didn't take long for us to discover this one's got a strong will! It's been quite a journey, one we're still working through. And the drama! Wow, her highs are high, her lows are low. But boy, does she ever love like there's no tomorrow. My first born is extremely affectionate and loves hugs and kisses. Touch is very important to her. Rarely does a day go by where I am not showered with her affection. I think Katie also has learned to brace herself when a kiss from B is coming. What a girl.

I find myself getting impatient again these days. We've had a lapse of wetting the bed at night...I know, I know, it's normal. But this kind of thing gets frustrating; another situation to deal with. Also, since I'm usually in the middle of tending to Baby, my fuse is short since I expect to be obeyed immediately. Ha! Brilla senses this and pretends she has all the time in the world to obey! God truly does give us children to train us and test us. It's also payback time ;)

I have a feeling Katie will be more laid back than Brilla. She hardly ever cries and is so easy-going about her schedule. Let me rephrase that, for the most part she does not cry. She lets us know when she is bored or tired, for sure! Seriously, though, this girl is very amiable. And nursing her has been such smooth-sailing. It helps that this is the second time 'round and I've learned a few tricks of the trade.

Looks like it's way past midnight and I should have been in bed long ago. Especially since Baby has been going down earlier this last week. You'd think I'd covet the extra hours of sleep! But no, I choose to blog. What am I thinking?? ;)

Glorious Books!!

Seems like I am reading a gazillion words of information every day. I love to research and I love to read, which can be a pretty hefty combination. Right now, I am reading an amazing book entitled "Real Food for Mother and Baby: The Fertility Diet, Eating for Two, and Baby's First Foods". It is rich with food and nutrition details and expounds on what your body does with it! It's also written in such a down-earthy, easy-to-understand way. I would highly advise that if you're in any of the above stages (trying to conceive, pregnant, breastfeeding or raising a toddler), you should read this book. You'll want to keep it on hand as a reference!

I'm also addicted to cook books. Don't know what's wrong with me. I could sit for hours on end reading recipes and cooking methods/tips. I just eat it up. Get it? Ha. Right now I have 4 Williams & Sonoma books I'm going through.

Magazines are also in my diet. Costco sells them for 30% off the cover price, so often I can't resist. I especially love Consumer Reports, Everyday with Rachael Ray and yep, you guessed it, all the other cooking magazines. I also love the Kitchen, Home Decor and Home Plan magazines. So yeah, just about all of them!

Since I have a limited amount of time in my day. And I have to feed my kids, too - I will get audio books. Like right now, I'm listening to So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. If you haven't read or listened to this book, it's a must. I've learned so much about myself and I'm only 30 minutes into it.

Okay, I have to take my nap now. If I don't, I'll never get a chance.

Third Day and Another Recipe (Pizza!)

If you read my last post, you will be amazed to find out I am no longer depressed. I've been re-inspired. Thank you ladies for your encouraging words. Talk about emotions going haywire! Reminds we why I started this blog in the first place. A spot to vent my feelings, thoughts, prayers, etc. Women need that!

Anyhow, this is my third day on the road to becoming a slimmer "me". I went to a fitness clinic this past Friday, which motivated me to take a look at my caloric intake again. Eating better is my key to losing. Like I've said before. I love to work out, but don't like to curb food. I also reserved some books at the library that advise how to lose while breastfeeding, but at the same time enhance milk supply.

My goal is to lose 2.5 lbs per week/5 lbs every 2 weeks...for a total of 20 lbs by August 28th. That date is significantly my 6th anniversary!! That I'm nursing is a disadvantage. I can't just skip meals. I have to be intentional about what I eat/don't eat.

So far, I've lost 2 lbs! I've been logging my calories, which can be fun if you look at like a game. I try to plan out my meals and snacks ahead of time...so I'm not grasping in starvation at anything that looks good, then hanging my head while logging it in. I was eating about 3 desserts at day: handful of jelly bellies, a donut, some ice cream at night. Bad, bad girl. Also, my eating wasn't all that healthy, either. Overall, I eat my fiber, veggies, etc. But I've been having HUGE portions (when you're nursing you feel like you're starving), extra butter here, extra cheese there. You get the picture. My diet needs some tweaking.

So yes, I'm counting even my pats of butter, sprinkling of cheese, and spreading of mayo. I allow myself one dessert at night, which is usually ice cream. How I love that stuff. Right now I'm hooked on Breyers chocolate. Yum.

My husband's decided to lose a little weight, too. In fact, he went with me to the gym last night, while the girls when to child care. Kind of like a date! Except he was playing basketball and I was upstairs running my little sore buns and feet off. It hurt good, though.

Btw, I made this BBQ Chicken and Onion Pizza last night. It's to die for. Plus, it's only 320 cals a slice. Here's the recipe:

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Slice large red onion (regular onion will do) and 2 plum tomatoes. Dice 4 strips turkey bacon.

2. Heat a 12-in skillet over medium heat til hot. Lightly spray with cooking spray. Add onion, bacon and 2 cloves pressed garlic. Cook and stir 10-12 min until onion is tender and lightly browned. Stir in 1/2 cup smoky bbq sauce; remove from heat. Stir in 2 cups diced cooked chicken; set aside.

3. Lightly sprinkle pizza pan with flour. Unroll two packages (10 oz each) of refrigerated pizza dough and arrange side by side on pizza pan, shaping into a circle. Roll dough to edge of pizza pan, pressing seams to seal.

4. Spread chicken mixture over dough to within 1/2 inch of edge. Arrange tomatoes evenly over top of pizza.; sprinkle with 1 cup (4 oz) shredded cheddar & Monterey Jack cheese blend. Bake 18-22 min or until crust is golden brown. Remove from oven; let stand 10 min. Sprinkle with 1 TB snipped fresh parsley. Cut into wedge. Makes 8 servings.

Note: I make my own pizza crust, prebake, then add on the chicken mixture and bake until desired doneness.

I'm a little discouraged.

My post-baby weight is not falling off quite as fast as I'd like it. And it's depressing me. I feel so fat, frumpy and unlovely :(

I've been working out, but I've also become addicted to sweet yummies. I know that's part of the problem and I know it takes time to lose the weight. But I'm still depressed about it.

Went to go try on dresses at Ann Taylor, picked a couple out, but then came home and a family member mentioned that once I got rid of my tummy fat (they said it nicely, but still), they would look better. I all at once put the dresses down, pretended I needed to deal with Katie, rushed down the hallway, and shed tears. Ever gotten into that rut of self-pity?

Well, I'm there.

The Sun Peeked Out (Finally)

Yesterday was gorgeous!

We started off the day with my chiropractic appointment. Always a nice start. My chiropractor was wanting me to come in 3x a week, and I told him I just couldn't do that. Not with 2 girls in tow. Especially when one of those times includes an hour-long massage! My girls are good, but not that good! My neck is feeling so much better since I've gone though. The main reason why I started is because it was giving me trouble, increased further by nursing Katie and lugging her carrier around.

I like having my appts early. We can zoom over to the gym afterward. I did a good 5 miles. Felt wonderful. To be completely honest, it always starts off that my upper body feels like flopping jelly, but as my body melds into the workout, the weird feeling dissipates. It's a good thing I have gumption because working out after having a baby is not for wimps.

I had mentioned to Brilla before working out that we "might" go to the beach. You know what that means to kids. By the time I'd picked her up from child care, all her little friends and woman in charge "heard" we were going - "Have fun at the beach!" the woman said as we exited. I chuckled to myself. That's what I get. Of course, it wasn't quite the chore to go; the weather was so sunny and warm. A much needed respite from the rain! We headed home to make up a quick picnic lunch, complete with strawberries.

Ah. I wasn't prepared for the utter bliss of laying out in the sun. While Brilla played in the sand and water, Katie and I chilled on our blanket. I sipped water and browsed my latest magazine.

Before we arrived, I scouted out the best spot. You must understand, this is a VERY small beach. Last time, I made the mistake of being beside a woman who let her dog sniff out all our food and belongings, repeatedly, blaming it on being "rambunctious". To boot, there were these kids who had a ton of beach toys but decided they wanted to play with Brilla's one bucket and shovel, kept taking it away from her. The parents were nowhere to be seen, until the dad finally showed from afar.

This time was a (little) better. After we parked ourselves, another family came and wouldn't you know, the mom smoked. If it wasn't such a hassle, I would have moved. I just hoped she's put it out soon, which she did. Then they pulled out their metal detector and started scanning the entire beach for "treasure". When the machine beeped, they promptly pulled out their shovel and began digging. This happened time and time again. Odd, but I guess each one enjoys the beach in their own way. I just laid back and continued to soak up the sun and my magazine :)

Everyone was in a good mood the whole time and we even made it back home in time for naps.

Later in the evening, I made Meatballs in Meat Sauce for the first time. It was like Little Italy in our kitchen. Yum.

I had spent waaay too much time on my feet, so I finally sat on the couch with my hubby and we watched reruns of our favorite show, The Good Wife.

Made for a great Tuesday~