On My Children

I don't want to forget my stillborn daughter, Amelia.

But days go by, weeks even, where I am so busy I don't think of her. Sometimes I feel horrible for it because I remember back when the pain was so fresh, when minutes would not go by where the deep hole in my heart ached and ached and ached.

I was thinking of her tonight and decided to see the pictures of her delivery again. Her tiny toes and hands, her little body in our hands. Even now I can't stop the tears. Still, the question remains in my heart, why did she have to go, God? Why so far along in the womb, when she had already become a part of my hopes and dreams? Why did our farewell have to be so sudden (maybe it was better that way)?

I'll never know the answers to any of my questions. One thing I can always rely on is that God is the same God who never changes. My world, life, and events around me are forever shifting, but not my God. What a comfort. Knowing I can go to the Rock that I can cling to when I am sad and need a bit of comfort and peace.

Little Katie is just over 3 months...her 3 month mark was June 5th. Already she's fitting her 3-6 mos clothes. And she's getting SO darn cute. She has the prettiest smiles and bright blue eyes. She also nuzzles me and gives me these slobbery open-mouth kisses. Wouldn't trade 'em for anything. How thoughtful of God to shock me with the news that I was having another baby girl, Katie Claire. I remember the day we found out she was a girl. I was pretty set that we would be having a boy since I'd already had 2 girls, and figured my miscarriage after Amelia was likely a boy. But was a glad to be wrong!! Katie will never take the place of Amelia, but her live birth was like a soothing balm to my chafed mama heart. I love this dear girl.

Brilla is still 3. I feel like she's been 3 forever. She's got these beautiful gangly arms and legs. Everyone thinks she's older because of them. My first born is such a smart little cookie that

I have to remind myself she's not older. Often I think I try to put too much expectation on her head. I find myself struggling to keep her busy these days. Now that Katie is on only five feedings a day, I think I can spend more time with B...doing crafts, some schoolwork maybe, perhaps painting our toes again :) Brilla is my right hand. Every time I go to do something like buckle Katie in, or tuck her blanket around her toes, Brilla has already done it. She's a little mama, always thinking of her little sister and being such a huge help. Honestly, I've never detected any animosity toward Katie. Yes, she struggled with the lack of attention in the beginning, but now the rhythm of life with a little sister has started to hum. Just wait until she has to share her toys with her. That will be something.

Some more about my first born. She is smart, like I said before. This comes out in some not good ways, too. It didn't take long for us to discover this one's got a strong will! It's been quite a journey, one we're still working through. And the drama! Wow, her highs are high, her lows are low. But boy, does she ever love like there's no tomorrow. My first born is extremely affectionate and loves hugs and kisses. Touch is very important to her. Rarely does a day go by where I am not showered with her affection. I think Katie also has learned to brace herself when a kiss from B is coming. What a girl.

I find myself getting impatient again these days. We've had a lapse of wetting the bed at night...I know, I know, it's normal. But this kind of thing gets frustrating; another situation to deal with. Also, since I'm usually in the middle of tending to Baby, my fuse is short since I expect to be obeyed immediately. Ha! Brilla senses this and pretends she has all the time in the world to obey! God truly does give us children to train us and test us. It's also payback time ;)

I have a feeling Katie will be more laid back than Brilla. She hardly ever cries and is so easy-going about her schedule. Let me rephrase that, for the most part she does not cry. She lets us know when she is bored or tired, for sure! Seriously, though, this girl is very amiable. And nursing her has been such smooth-sailing. It helps that this is the second time 'round and I've learned a few tricks of the trade.

Looks like it's way past midnight and I should have been in bed long ago. Especially since Baby has been going down earlier this last week. You'd think I'd covet the extra hours of sleep! But no, I choose to blog. What am I thinking?? ;)