I Will Not Forget

Last night, I had a pretty good sleep. But somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, somewhere between my anticipation of this new babe and my missing Amelia...the memories came flowing back...all in my half dreamy mode.

I believe the day we lost her was the two days before we officially discovered she was gone. It was the day when I was gungho about "Walking for Life" for CareNet. 3 miles. My husband and daughter joined in, too. I felt great and the sunrise that morning was awesome. And down in the depths of my heart, in that memory, I felt the recurring guilt that was there something I did that day that made my daughter die? I don't always dwell on this thought, but every so often, it will rear its ugly head. And then the question Why? with all it's mournful hopes came rushing back, along with the worry that maybe this daughter won't make it either.

I thought I was over this. Healed. Maybe I am, and maybe I'm just human, too. So I let the tears flow this morning. It's better to let them have their way rather than hold them back. That's part of healing. Just because I'm mending doesn't mean the pain is forever gone. That my heart won't miss my second-born daughter, Amelia. In fact, there are days where I hold nothing inside but utter joy that she is with Jesus, that I have Brilla, and am expecting our third daughter.

Mike was tinkering on the piano the other night and I expressed myself. I thought we were going to be expecting a little boy, not a little girl again. In some ways it would be easier to welcome a son because I can hold onto the memory of Amelia that much tighter without another daughter entering the picture; move on with all boy stuff. I am being completely honest here. Believe me, I'm the happiest mom to have another child, another daughter. And Mike spoke words which were such a balm to my spirit. Amelia will always be our second-born daughter, this girl will be our third-born. Amelia will always be a person, our child, with her own separate being and meaning in our life. And so will this daughter-to-come.

God knew that as married women, our husbands would be here to say the right thing when we need it. I needed those words and Mike's strength.

Every time I feel this tiny girl move, it does funny things to me. I get so excited and a smile comes to my face. A new sign of life and reminder of God's goodness. And I can feel okay at remembering Amelia at the same time, because all three of my girls are my precious treasures. My life has totally been changed by them.

I will not forget!