Today I am going to put flowers on Amelia's grave. It is 8 months since she went to heaven. We haven't been to the cemetery for a while, you know, life just gets going. But it doesn't mean she's not right behind my heart. Our hearts.
Someone asked me the other day how I was able to handle losing Amelia. Hate to phrase it like this, but "get past the pain." In reality, we heal, but there will always be a scar. I thought deep, and I knew the answer. Thankfulness, praise and contentment. Wanting something I can't have, without end, leads to discontent and bitterness. I experienced that first hand.
It was hard to hear that other women were pregnant and holding new babies because that was supposed to be me.
But the more grievous our trial, "He giveth more grace." By God's grace alone, I have been able to soak up His goodness, rather than the unfairness of life. His attributes of unchanging and unconditional love, faithfulness, solidarity, might, Healer, omniscience, and so many others have caught my attention by this trial, unlike all other times.
That He has conquered death astounds me and continues to give me hope.
Each time I get my eyes off my circumstances, my problems, and get to the place of praising God, all the pain that I've been carrying slowly sheds. And when I see how good I really have it compared to others, how blessed I am to be a mom when some ladies have never had that chance, to be a wife when some have not had that chance or have lost their spouse; the thankfulness swallows up the longing, the wishing for something God has not planned for me right now.
It's not positive thinking, the power of a heightened mental state, it's spiritual. His Spirit giving me joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. A gift straight from heaven.
"The Lord your God is with you...He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
I love this quote from Augustine, "God is not a deceiver that He should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us."
Here is more truth from Psalm 139...
"O Lord, you have searched me, and known me. You know my down sitting and my uprising, you understand my thought afar off.
You compass my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
There is not a word in my tongue, but lo, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You have beset me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
Where shall I go from your spirit? or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, you are there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall your hand lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me,' even the night shall be light about me.
Yes, the darkness hides not from you; but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to you."
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1 comment:
I'm reading what you wrote and applying it to the upcoming separation Ben & I are going to experience. I do struggle with the fear of death (his, Violet's; not my own). And, I struggle with being joyful and content as a single mother. These are things I know God wants to work in me.....I really appreciate your sharing!
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